The BruserFactory

Normal  Is Relative

How generally oblivious do you have to be to be a whistler? Why the hell do people think that just because they’re in this fine and dandy mood (utterers of the phrase 'tickety boo' must die) that it requires announcement to the world? Because they’re in a good mood, I should have to listen to their best attempt at ‘It’s a Small World After All’ or something like that. Most of the time I see people whistling while they’re waiting for something. Like they’re making the best use of their time or something. I swear those people must be the most egocentric bastards in the world. Waiting in line to see a movie in front of Roger Whitaker makes me want to turn around and spit. Don’t kid me. They know they’re being obnoxious. They obviously know that other people can hear them and so they either think that they are good whistlers or they’re just so damn happy they don’t give a damn that they can’t carry a tune. Hell, why not just strike up a song while you’re in line - maybe a little dance number? You won’t be making any less of an ass of yourself. The only thing worse than whistlers is a whistler that isn’t following any particular tune or melody. They are just, for some reason, pleased that they are able to perform the act or something and just - whistle. Sometimes rhythmic patterns of the identical tone or else just tweet twit tweet or whatever happens to come through their pursed lips. Please. Practise at home. Then leave it there.

I was wrong. There’s a contender for the obnoxious title. Key janglers. What the hell is this for? Is it some latent desire to hear that old rattle again? I’m standing in a dollar store and I can hear this guy slowly walking up an aisle with a pile ‘o keys he feels necessary to jangle. And not just incidental jangling. I mean put-some-money-in-my-pot-I’m-a-freakin-fake-Santa jangle. Why? How can somebody be so egocentric that they don’t consider that not everybody might want to hear the jangle of his keys? I took out my keys and went an aisle over and started giving them a big ole jangle to see; a) if key jangling could be insulted; b) if there was any intrinsic enjoyment to be had by jangling, and c) if key jangling could be insulted.

This is like those whistlers. If somebody were whistling in the dollar store instead of jangling their keys, I wonder if they would be more insulted if I whistled the same song one isle over or if I whistled a different song one isle over. Which would insult the whistler? Can you insult a whistler? Probably not because he’s so damn into themselves he’s oblivious to you. I figure the reason he’s whistling is because he’s pretty damn happy and if so then maybe he shouldn’t be susceptible to the insult. Or if he’s a hypocritical whistler he would get bothered by my whistling. That would be great. What’s he going to say, stop whistling because I am?

I like a wide variety of sports. I think they should get together and share some of their secrets. I’m watching tennis right now. They have an instant replay at the request of a player, feeling the lines judge has made an error. The player is right. The closeup of the slowed down, animated idiot proof representation of the actual event shows that the ball was out by three millimeters. They should share this technology with curlers at the Briar and and the world championships. I mean, must they really take out that long measuring stick and then get somebody who is sure to read it backwards slide it back and forth across the rock face and then back and forth across the other rock face, and then back and forth across the first rock face and then ... Stop it! And don’t tell me that the perspective has to be from directly overhead to derive accurate information. Think tennis. They don’t have an infinite number of cameras directly over the lines so that any shot can be assessed with such accuracy. Share the technology! Last month I watched the Stanley Cup. There was a goal in question so they went to the video review. They're still not sure. What? Yes, they did have about six cameras trained on the net but they still weren’t sure. What? Well, yes, one of the cameras was actually in the net itself, approximately two feet from the puck, but they still weren’t sure. Here’s a thought guys. My six year old came up with it. Put some sort of tape around the perimeter of the net mouth (and under the ice where the metal stops) and a computer chip inside the center of the puck. You fill in the technological blanks and Bob’s your uncle. Just bring that little chip on screen any time you want to know exactly where it is relative to the sensory tape! And while you’re at it, if they can put a GPS chip in my ... kitty, why can’t they put one in my car so that I can find out where it goes after it’s stolen! Sell them after market so I can hide my own. Better yet, sell me a strip of ten so that I can put one in my stereo, one in my T.V., one in my golf bag, one in the remote control, and one in my teenager’s backpack. 

Why do people back into parking spaces? Ready faster to leave? It takes more time to be sure you aren't going to hit the cars on either side of you backing in than when you're backing out. So for the great convenience of being able to get into your car when you’re ready to leave and zip straight forward, you make somebody wait as you park it. Nice. Considerate. And at the grocery store, aren't you pretty certain you're going to put something into your trunk? People who back into parking spaces have money in savings accounts. And RRSPs. And money kept in a jar for emergency purposes that actually stays there for more than a week. I’ll only ‘back’ into a parking spot if there are two spots end to end which are available (drive through). And not at the grocery store because I have a truck hatch which lifts up. I want easy access to that.  I’ll just pull ahead into the second spot and be able to zip out forward when I’m done without having had to actually back into it at all. Found money.

Although a sneeze is a largely uncontrollable, overwhelming event, part of the control you are left with is the ability not to vocalize the "achoooo" through it (same applies to yawns). It is unavoidable for all attention to be on you at least momentarily throughout your sneeze. So if you must take the stage for a moment, would you kindly refrain from pulling down your pants while you're there?

I bought a bottle of sexual lubricant the other day. Flavoured. Fruit punch. Sugar free. Look. Just give me the damn sugar, OK? Just this once? I want to splurge. I mean who the hell is having so much sex that they’ve got to worry that this is going to be a significant excess of calories in their diet. And, while we’re at it, I want to know who the hell the bastard was that said “Hey, honey I am taking in just way too many calories here. I really have to do something about this if we’re going to be having this much sex. This stuff really needs to be trans fat and calorie free.” And then contacts the manufacturer - successfully - with his concerns!

Why on earth would they make intermittent wipers that weren’t on a continuum timer? I mean really. You can choose between this length of intermittency – or this one. What do you do if it’s raining harder or softer than that or if you’re driving faster or slower than that? Don’t you need to have the wipers clean the water off the windshield just as you need it? Just as you’d normally be reaching for the wiper button? If it’s too fast it just gets annoying. Wasteful. If its too slow you can’t see a damn thing. When I set my own wiper tempo, most of the time I’ll err on the side of the pace being too slow. At the end of a cycle (when I know I’m going to get a wipe any second) I’ll be squinting through what my passenger is staring at in horror with their mouth open. Maybe it’s a ‘he’ thing like the satisfying feeling we get when we reach in our pocket or wallet and pull out exact change in the checkout line. $4.36? Wait. I think I have that here.

(More) Things That Bother Me

15. People that don’t offer a salutation to fast food cashiers before rhyming off what they want. “Hello sir.” “I wanna... Big Mac with extra onions with Biggie fries and a Coke.” “Me sir? I’m fine. Thank you for asking.”

16. Please don’t finish our consumer/service provider interaction with a soured attitude just because I don’t want to try your apple fritters, fries, salads, or doughnuts with that.

17. Open concept Dentists offices. The only thing more pathetic than lying splayed out on some guy’s Lazy Boy is being able to look around and see a bunch of other bodies all splayed out around like you’re in a morgue prep room.

18. Optometrists and Chiropractors making you call them “Doctor”. Do you have an M.D.? Do you have a PhD? If I need an emergency tracheotomy, are either of these guys going to be able to do that? No? Then don’t call yourself a doctor. You’re confusing people.

19. Being given homework by the elementary school I attended 25 years ago through my kids who now go there. I don’t feel the educational progress of my child should be facilitated (or limited) by my ability (or lack thereof) to help them do the projects they are assigned at school. You want me to sew what? In French? Not likely.

20. Banks that punish you for not using the automated teller by providing curt or condescending service.

21. Grocery store cashiers that make you feel bad for choosing their line to pass your groceries because it’s near the end of their shift or because you have a full cart of groceries.

22. Grocery stores that offer sales but haven’t updated the scanner at the checkout, making you pay the full price.

23. Grocery stores that make you go to customer service even though you noticed immediately that the price the cashier just rang up was not the sale price.

24. Grocery store customer service employees that ignore you until they’ve run out of every possible thing they could be doing besides helping you.