The BruserFactory

Normal  Is Relative

You're dead to me.

1. Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup.

I used to open packages, take out the lump of flavour goodness, throw out the noodles and then use that to start soup stalk with chi... no, turkey necks. Great big ones.  Add carrots, onions, parsley, garlic, salt. Best soup ever.

Recently they have improved the recipe.  The glop of greatness is now dispersed with the noodles and the spices and the overall weight is less to I assume reduce costs and it's impossible to take the glop out and I've bought all the old stock in all the grocery stores and never say you've bought a lifetime supply of anything because when you run out you have to die, and I'm running out of glops and I hate you.

2. Creamsicles.

Don't they realize that in their attempts to reduce costs and increase profits they have compromised the essence of what brought me to creasmsicles in the first place?  Arg. That word (arg) is not pronounced nearly as you think.  When I say it, it sounds like a raptor in a Jurassic Park movie.  I flutter the back of my throat (glottis) making a vibrating ... anyway when I make the sound you know I'm not happy.  Perhaps a literal translation if you prefer would be 'KKKkkkkgggglllllllllggggG'. Sometimes for additional effect I will add a cat hissing noise. It is very scary.

Creamsicles  are now smaller and they have altered the ratio of sicle to cream.  It's more sicle now. Unacceptable. I may as well just buy a regular popsicle. Screw you creamsicle.

3. Bacon.

I'm crying because I looooooooove bacon and all of its bacony goodness.  Bacon at its worst is still good bacon. If a meal isn't eaten and it has bacon on it, you throw out the rest of whatever it was and you save the bacon.

A pound of bacon is 454 grams. No. Now a pound of bacon for the same price is 374 grams. You suck. For breakfast I eat the entire liarpound. Baker's dozen? 13. Liarpound? 374 grams. Security cameras in grocery stores may or may not have video of people who shall remain nameless actually giving the finger to the bacon section.

4.  Laundry detergent.

I used to be able to literally climb inside a box of Tide.  And I use that term literally. Not like the teenager who says they literally have a million reasons not to do something.

Then Tide reduced the box size to one half. They called it concentrted and kept the price the same. You only need 3/4 the amount you used to so it all works out. What? Grade eight math tells me otherwise. Now, the box is roughly the same size as a change purse. Same price. Thanks.

5. Post Offices.

It's that sheet of plexiglass with the slot in it which allows them to determine if your package can be sent as a letter with virtually no shipping cost versus as a package at a price which takes into consideration every mail carrier's need to put their children through university.

They've been doing this job for thirty years. They know damn well even before they take that sheet out whether or not your package is going to cost you nothing or everything.  It's entirely for your benefit. Like a puppet show. My advice is to be really really sweet to them. If you're not, they will show you how your letter doesn't fit through the slot.  See? Doesn't fit.  That'll be $18.95 please.  Even if your package has soft corners and is a sponge you want to send to somebody, it won't fit. Get ready for that.

6. Grocery store clerks who ask you if you would like bags while the store's current policy is not to allow you to bring in your own personal cloth bags or any other item transporting vessel.  The correct response to this question is "No thank you. I'm going to shove all thirty two items up my butt and I will just poop them out when I get home."

7. Wagon Wheels.

They used to be the size of my head.  I bought a box the other day. There should be a law to address the minimum size a cookie needs to be before it can be compared to a wagon wheel.

8. Vegetable oil.

It used to be 5.0 litres.  Now it is 3.5 litres. Same price. Now I need to buy 1.43 jugs to fill my 5.0 litre deep fryer. Oh wait. Update. It's now 3.0 litres. Thank you. I only have one litre left over instead of two. Crap. Update. Same 3.0 litre jug has doubled in price. 

9. Australia.

I'm not thrilled about travelling anywhere but if I did it would not be to Australia.  Currently there is a mice plague.  I can tolerate a certain number of those critters, depending on the context. They can live outside. Not in my house.  One or two or three or five.  Ok. Thousands? Nope. Nope. Nope. I don't care how many shrimp are on the barby.

And spiders? 'coming down like rain from trees?' Uhm. Dead to me is an understatement.

They need a plague of snakes.  Snakes are cool.  And they eat mice!  No legs on a snake.  You could pet a snake. You might even be able to get the snake to like you. So it doesn't bite you. A spider will never like you. It's hard to run away from a spider because it can move in any direction at any given moment. And contrary to the oversized spider movies, spiders can move a thousand miles an hour. Ten foot diameter spider chasing a motorbike? Not as depicted. Spider on motorbike in seconds.

10. Reese's Peanut Butter cups.

How cute. They made a small size for Halloween.  What? They're not going back to original size?  They are all now 'convenient snack size'? It was snack size.  Just enough of everything in the right ratio so you could pop one in your mouth and be satisfied. Now you want me to waste paper wrapping on three 'snack sized' cuplets to achieve the same effect?  Pass.

11. Gas Stations.  Here's the thing. Regular unleaded gas is currently about $1.40 a litre. Super unleaded is around $1.50 a litre and extra super duper high octane is around $1.60.  But you know that great big gas hauling tanker truck that delivers the gas? Have you ever seen three hoses coming out of it?  Hmmm.

12 KFC. It's not KFC anymore. No fat. No salt. It tastes like nothing. You're happy to get through to the chicken on each piece. It used to be it was best enjoyed when a certain amount of skin was involved in each bite. The grease needs to come through the paper bag I'm carrying it home in before I will speak to it again.

13. Glue sticks and soldering guns. Never have either of these two items ever stuck two things together.  Granted I will only pay $1.00 for a multi pack of glue sticks at a dollar store and who knows how old those are but paper to paper? Nope. Paper to... nope. Best case scenario is that it smells like Elmer's paste glue and you bite it, and it tastes like it smells. Soldering guns? mine has a light on the end of it to show when it is active or warming up.  Mine takes a while to warm up.  I hold the tip in my hand and then let go when it's close. Again it takes a while but surprises me sometime by heating up real quick. Never have any two pieces of metal been stuck together with this device. Yes I have soldering flux. I got the good stuff where the flux is inside the solder.  I can't throw it out. It works. But mostly as a flashlight that looks like a soldering gun.